Thursday, October 15, 2015

On (Sort of) Leaving Social Media

A month ago, I walked away from social media. I wasn't planning on it beforehand. In fact, if you'd asked me a month prior if I could live without Facebook I might have said, "Never!!"

Basically, I kind of snapped. I started doing all the things I never do and never should do. Arguing about politics. Arguing about stupid stuff. Arguing with friends. Crying about internet dramas I was not involved in.

I think a lot of us have sensed that the internet just...isn't the fun place it used to be. Back in the 1990s it was actually ANONYMOUS. That's crazy. Now the internet often feels less anonymous than real life. Then I remember the Livejournal and blog days, when social media consisted of people writing long posts in their own words about their lives. I still miss that.

When Twitter and Facebook happened, we suddenly had the ability to connect with a much larger group of people, and faster. And we are now able to share things with a click. It's been great for spreading important information...and also makes it easy to spread misinformation, rage, and stupid stuff. Even the harmless stuff often seems like an unnecessary part of life. (Why did I spend three minutes watching a cat video while ignoring my actual cats??) For over a decade I have started my day by checking the internet. In recent years I've noticed that inevitably one of the following happens:
--I spend too much time clicking on dumb articles. Where did my morning go?
--I see something that deeply upsets or scares me. ("Scientists say butterflies will be extinct in 2 years if you don't sign this petition!")
--I see something that angers me that I want to argue with, but I usually don't, because arguing on the internet has never made my life better aaaaand I'm not sure I've ever changed anyone's mind either.

It also has made it really easy to communicate in groups. For a fairly shy, socially insecure person like me, this has made it easy to talk to others. It feels safe to make a post to a group in general and comment on other people's posts. But I started realizing over time that my individual, private communication with other human beings was down. Like, WAY DOWN. Like, 85% of my interaction with other humans, besides the human I live with, was in a semi-public text-based group context. When I did have something I wanted to talk privately with someone about, I became paralyzed about which friend to choose, because I was so used to just posting to a group and not reaching out to a single person. WHAT IF THEY DON'T REALLY WANNA BE MY FRIEND? It was easier not to try.

For creative types, there is also the failure-ish feeling of signing on and seeing everyone else's good news, day after day. Logically, we know that when our fellow writers have great news, they post about it 99% of the time, and when they have bad news, they post about it, like, 5% of the time. It isn't true that everyone else is more successful than you. But it is still emotionally difficult to be bombarded with it every day.

I've realized lately that I have been a lot more depressed in recent years. Sluggish. Disconnected from my magical worlds and close friendships. Always short on time for doing the things I love doing, like reading...but also sometimes unmotivated to even do the things I love. I have long sort of suspected that social media is a contributing factor, but I was afraid to leave. "What if I lose all my friends?"

I decided, abruptly, that if all my friends were on Facebook and Twitter, but Facebook and Twitter were making me feel sad, angry or discouraged every day, I would just have to figure out something else. So I just...left. I didn't look at social media AT ALL except private messages and every day, I didn't touch the computer until 6 pm.

That 6 pm rule, especially, improved my life immediately. I've had more energy to cook good food and keep the house clean(er...). In the last month I've finished two 500+ page books and several smaller ones, and I've had time to beta read for people too, while also getting more of "the day job" done. I've been more cheerful. And I've definitely been MUCH more creative. I've stopped scrolling through Facebook and Twitter. I glance at the top of the page and freely block anyone who stresses me out even if I like them. Mostly I just chat or email my friends. I was surprised that my social life didn't seem to suffer at all. In fact, I think I've gotten closer to some people because of it and I really hope that continues, but I think the lonely times may prove easier to weather because, most importantly, I've felt way more connected to that world beyond this one, where stories whisper in my ear. Since I've forbidden myself to write in the mornings either (no computer, not for any reason!) I've been spending a lot of my mornings sketching and I think even just that act unlocks many things in my mind.

I'm not telling you this to convince anyone to leave social media. It can be an amazing tool and I have so many good friends because of it. I'll certainly be making use of it again in the year to come, as I have some Secret Projects cooking I am bursting to talk about. But it can also be very, very addictive.  A balm to loneliness that doesn't really solve a damn thing. It can start to feel like the virtual life is the real one, especially if you work at home and don't live near any real life friends and family, as I do. If you're starting to get a deep down feeling that this place isn't healthy for your soul, I encourage you not to waste any more of your time. Put down the screen and go outside. The butterflies aren't dead yet, no matter what Facebook tells you.

11 comments:

  1. Love this - and I need to try the 6pm rule. Social media is DRAINING!!

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  2. Beautiful post, and I think you have absolutely made the right choice. I miss the LJ days, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, so much! I was just saying on Facebook I might move my blog back to LJ because why not. Everyone mostly clicks on it via Twitter and FB anyway...but I could be one small piece of the LJ revival I'd love to see...

      Delete
  3. I also miss LJ because I felt like I was really talking to people. About real things! And FB is so ANGRY--all the time. I try to unfollow when people get ranty, but with moving all the time, it's my one connection to people I still know, and sometimes I just feel EXHAUSTED by once again being the new person and starting from scratch all over again. I mean, I can do it, but I also think it's normal for humans to want to continue friendships with the same people past more than one or two years at a time. So I'm not sure how to balance it. I notice that rantier FB days really discourage my writing, though--like maybe my stories (and sometimes even the kind I like to read, not just write) don't matter anymore, because they aren't "ranty" enough, or not about the pet topics and causes on FB. Which is silly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know why my replies are showing up in unreadable colors now? It didn't used to be that way! But...yes, I don't want to start from scratch. I like my friends! And you are one of the people I would always follow because you are NOT ranty!! Unfortunately it does seem like ranting gets more attention in the wider world.

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    2. I keep thinking of your line about how the butterflies will still be there. And yes! I successfully shut it off and walked away from an article today that was drama for the sake of drama. They were wrong--but I thought about the butterflies, and just kept walking. :) I want real conversation--not manufactured click bait, witch hunts across Twitter, or those creepy FB posts that start off sounding real and then turn into passive aggressive posts about how 90% of the people won't repost, don't share, retype, etc. Just focus on the butterflies... :)

      Delete
  4. Thank you so much for this post. It really speaks to me, especially as I've been pondering of late whether it does me good or ill to have social media accounts. On the one hand, I'm alone a lot of the time (unless Morris is home), and I don't really have any close-by in-person friends. And even those I have who are near-ish I don't get to spend much time with - seems they all have day jobs and weekend plans, or make plans with other friends to do things, so it's very easy for me to feel isolated. But there's a danger in the social media thing, too, since so many people skim past posts or only hit the "like" button on posts where I'd much prefer actual interaction.

    I think I'm going to try to take a step back, as you have, to make it work for me in a better, more constructive manner, and in hopes of having more creative time that way. I certainly managed to accomplish more stuff today by not being on it so often - cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, watched an hour and a half art lesson online, wrote a draft of a new poem, spent time playing with the cat (she demands it whether I'm online or not, though, so that's kind of a given). Still, I think this makes good sense.

    And I am thrilled that it's working for you and freeing up more creative space for you in your life - especially since it means more of your works to look forward to!

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    Replies
    1. I keep feeling like...maybe I should talk to people on the phone more? But i don't even know where to begin with that. I have one friend I have a phone relationship with, though, and she feels like the only friend I can turn to when I am truly in crisis...because hearing her voice comforts me in such a different way than any form of text. (Usually, we just laugh about stuff--there is also a lot more laughter on the phone than on the internet!) But I'm so shy, and probably all my friends are shy, and some of them truly hate the phone and I'm not sure which they are, and--ARGH.

      Ironically, I remember when I first got on AOL as a teen, if I made a really good friend we would eventually move to a precious phone call, the "Mom can I please have a half hour of long distance to talk to so and so?" thing. Now long distance is FREE, and no one wants to talk on the phone anymore. I'm sure there is some psychological point to be made, there...

      One thing is for sure, the house is definitely cleaner with less social media, and I have to admit that's kind of nice.

      Delete
  5. ‘philanthropic + epiphany’ (=so much to give + vision):
    ~let these two words be the start of your journey~

    I looove RITErs;
    I looove giving'm new opportunities
    for thots/ideas/structural integrity,
    taking'm in a completely-new-direction:

    Why else does a moth fly FROM the night
    than to a bold, attractive candle Light??
    Don’t let His extravagant Brilliance be extinguished.
    You’re creative, yes?
    Then, fly-away with U.S. to the antidote…

    Whether you obtain moralityB4mortality to wiseabove
    or just glean tantalizing specimens for thy next best seller,
    you shall find in our blogs a lotta (subliminal) moxie
    which has taken this sinfull mortal yeeeeers to compile!
    I lay it ALL out for you, dear, with All-Star-Oxygems:

    Wouldn’t ya love an endless eternity
    of aplomBombs falling on thy indelible cranium?
    An XtraXcitinXpose with no zooillogical-expiration-date?
    An IQ much higher than K2 all-go-rhythm?
    An anti-establishment, savvy victory +
    avant-guarde-humility =
    you’re promptly astonished, ain’tcha?
    withe extraordinarily explosion of maelstrom mellowdramatic??
    Here’s what the exquisite, prolific GODy sed
    (with a most-excellent-detector of bull§ht):

    “Faith, hope, and love,
    the greatest of these is love –
    jump into faith…
    and you’ll VitSee with love”
    Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe (what I write);
    God believes in you.

    Meet me Upstairs, girl, where the Son never goes down
    from a super-passionate, lucrative iconoclasm where you’ll find
    nonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsX…
    of deluxe-HTTP [<- pi] opportunities for excitement BTW.

    Do it. Do the deed, dude. Sign into the Big-Zaftig-House.

    PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when they hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
    -our Lord Jesus to Saint Gertrude

    ...think about it, girl:
    if 1-outta-1 perishes in 88ish years;
    then, how WE sinfull mortals have lived
    is where we go for eternity, Up or Down,
    Seventh-Heaven or the Abyss o'Misery.
    Life is extremely tough now…
    yet, life’s extremely short now.
    And Satan’s working overtime
    to take over your indestructible soul.
    Don’t let him.
    I Choose Heaven.
    Choose.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ‘philanthropic + epiphany’ (=so much to give + vision):
    ~let these two words be the start of your journey~

    I looove RITErs;
    I looove giving'm new opportunities
    for thots/ideas/structural integrity,
    taking'm in a completely-new-direction:

    Why else does a moth fly FROM the night
    than to a bold, attractive candle Light??
    Don’t let His extravagant Brilliance be extinguished.
    You’re creative, yes?
    Then, fly-away with U.S. to the antidote…

    Whether you obtain moralityB4mortality to wiseabove
    or just glean tantalizing specimens for thy next best seller,
    you shall find in our blogs a lotta (subliminal) moxie
    which has taken this sinfull mortal yeeeeers to compile!
    I lay it ALL out for you, dear, with All-Star-Oxygems:

    Wouldn’t ya love an endless eternity
    of aplomBombs falling on thy indelible cranium?
    An XtraXcitinXpose with no zooillogical-expiration-date?
    An IQ much higher than K2 all-go-rhythm?
    An anti-establishment, savvy victory +
    avant-guarde-humility =
    you’re promptly astonished, ain’tcha?
    withe extraordinarily explosion of maelstrom mellowdramatic??
    Here’s what the exquisite, prolific GODy sed
    (with a most-excellent-detector of bull§ht):

    “Faith, hope, and love,
    the greatest of these is love –
    jump into faith…
    and you’ll VitSee with love”
    Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe (what I write);
    God believes in you.

    Meet me Upstairs, girl, where the Son never goes down
    from a super-passionate, lucrative iconoclasm where you’ll find
    nonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsX…
    of deluxe-HTTP [<- pi] opportunities for excitement BTW.

    Do it. Do the deed, dude. Sign into the Big-Zaftig-House.

    PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when they hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
    -our Lord Jesus to Saint Gertrude

    ...think about it, girl:
    if 1-outta-1 perishes in 88ish years;
    then, how WE sinfull mortals have lived
    is where we go for eternity, Up or Down,
    Seventh-Heaven or the Abyss o'Misery.
    Life is extremely tough now…
    yet, life’s extremely short now.
    And Satan’s working overtime
    to take over your indestructible soul.
    Don’t let him.
    I Choose Heaven.
    Choose.

    ReplyDelete